The Invasion of the Granny Panties

After my shower this morning I happily sauntered to my dresser and opened my "intimates" drawer only to discover to my horror that while The Diva in me has been away, the drawer in question has been unceremoniously taken over by... wait for it... can you guess?? ...wait for it... (cue the Beverly Hillbillies music) GRANNY PANTIES!!

It seems these evil things have been killing, maiming, consuming and/or otherwise raping and pillaging my other undergarments right into extinction.

After some intense hand to hand combat, I was able to fight them off and rescue my final pair of black bikini underwear which I immediately donned under my cute new jeans and sweater combo before I fled the war theater to the armory in search of the combat gear needed to fend off this unfortunate overtaking of Diva territory by these evil invaders.

I ran up and down the aisles of the armory looking for bear-sized traps, RPGs, grenades, punji sticks, landmines... anything that would assist me in the horrible ensuing skirmish awaiting my return to enemy territory.

I have drawn up my battle plan and am hiding behind the door of my office with my combat gear readying my courage to return to the war theater of my walk-in closet. I have written my will and attached it to a love letter to my husband and children in the event of my unfortunate demise.

I will deploy to the volatility of my underwear drawer and face the enemy occupiers with an RPG and rocket launcher, a long stick(for removal of the carcasses), a brown paper grocery bag (for interment of said carcasses), a Bic lighter (for cremation of said carcasses), and some reinforcements consisting of 8 fashionable replacement soldiers who will hopefully survive the battle with me and supply the area with the requisite 4 Cs of coverage, comfort, cute factor, colorfulness, and also add a dash of femininity.

Wish me luck!

If I'm not back tomorrow... call the U.S. Embassy.

The Diva

A true Diva wouldn't be caught dead...

5) ...exposing a well-developed muffin top.


Let's face it most of us (especially those of us over the age of 30) have some form of muffin top ranging from the only noticeable when you bend forward to a my-belt-is-somewhere-inside-this-flesh-colored-nuclear-mushroom-cloud muffin top. Most of us don't leave the house flaunting it. If you see a woman walking around looking like the above photo, cut some arm holes in a Hefty bag, pull it on over her head and tell her to just say NO to Muffin Top. Either that or buy her a t-shirt that says, “When I Grow Up I Want To Be The Michelin Man”.

4) ...wearing multi-leveled hair.


Nothing says, "Joe Bob, pick up a box of wine at the 7-11 on your way to the double-wide" like a she-mullet. Enough said.

3) ...with hands that look like they've been recently fed through a meat grinder.


If you're prone to get hungry enough to eat your fingernails, you should probably make time for regular meals, carry a Balance bar or two in your purse at all times, or make friends with a roll of duct tape.

2) ...with lipstick on her teeth.


If you don't like to walk around looking like a freshly fed vampire bat -- four little words of advice.... lip stain...hand mirror.

1) ...SMOKING.


A more undivalike habit you will be hardpressed to find.

Proof: Name one other thing you can do to prematurely leatherize your skin, prune your lips, yellow your teeth, deepen your crow's feet, putrify your breath, yellow your fingers and fingernails, stinkify your clothes, cause a multitude of unattractive illnesses and ...kill you dead. I rest my case. If you still think a ciggy hanging from your perfectly glossed lips or a smoke ring rising above your elegantly coiffed head adds to your fabulousity...

...tell it to her.

Public Service Announcement Recommends Consuming Tequila To Improve Quality of Life!

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Drink up! (... But you may want to listen closely to the side effect warnings...)

The Diva

Shoe Shopping

Another pound and a half down, divas! This chick is just a smidge off from having lost 10 pounds even -- that's 1/4 of the way to my goal, and it's all seeming a lot more doable now! Funny how some progress and momentum can really make a girl happy and determined to see the plan through! Now, I need to implement some exercise, because I know it will seem to zoom past a lot quicker if I burn more calories through exercise!

Every fabulous diva should have a great pair of shoes for every mood. If you're a mom with habits like I've developed over the past several years -- you've got a couple of pairs of boring but favorite shoes (probably flip-flops or clogs and a pair of sneakers) that you wear all the time and several others that sit in your closet looking pretty, but you never wear. I thought it time to start making over the shoe section of my closet with some fierce kicks to replace the dowdy, drab and manly ones that have been occupying my closet the past few years.

I went to one of those warehouse sized shoe stores that carry every middle range shoe designer you can think of. There must have been thousands of different styles, colors and brands under one roof. I swear I walked through the front doors and violins and harps started playing -- like I'd walked in from a delirious week in the desert with a stinky spitting camel, into an airconditioned mecca oasis.

My goal was to pick up a pair of platform sandals to wear with my new jeans and some open toed sandals to wear on our forthcoming trip to the sunny southwest for spring vacation.

I was surprised to find that even though I was on a mission to fierce-ify my shoe selection, I kept finding myself drawn to the old standards... flip-flops, ballet flats, and tennis shoes. How unfabulous of me! I had to force myself to veer into the more feminine choices -- heels -- forged from more glamorous fabric than canvas.

8 years ago, before my second child, I wore a lot of heels. I was modeling and acting and since heels create the illusion of longer more slender legs, I wore them nearly every day. I remember how great and put together I felt every single day as I dressed for work and sauntered out the door in my very feminine shoes... what the heck has happened to me? I want to resurrect my old habits of dressing up and feeling great instead of dressing down and feeling... well...not.

More evidence that I am in dire need of this self-imposed diva MAKEVOER...

At the end of my shopping trip, I ended up with the sandals and platforms I came for -- both hot looking and very feminine and I'm really pleased with the choices.




This could have been ugly... The way I was shopping before I caught myself wallowing in the pig sty of my old habits, I could have easily ended up with clown shoes and combat boots. The goal is a couple new pairs of shoes a month -- and the garbage can for the man shoes and unattractive flats that are now clonking around in my closet.

Hasta La Shoe-sta

The Diva