Oh, HELL-to-the-NO!!!

Call me immature... Call me petty... Call me anything... but call me a DIVA.

Today, I was a vengeful prankster and I got this stranger at the supermarket but gooooood. Yes, I'm 42. Yes, I'm usually considered a respectable and kind person. Yes, I'm above this kind of behavior. But I am also only human and sometimes people really need to get exactly what they have coming.

This afternoon I went to the store to pick up some groceries. After circling the parking lot 4-5 times looking for a spot that was closer than 3.5 miles to the door, I spotted a mom heading to a mini-van with 3 kids and a shopping cart full of food. The parking stall was two from the front of the store and I didn't even need to draw a handicap placard with eyeliner on the back of a baby wipe to get it.

I just had to wait patiently ...and if I haven't mentioned it before, waiting patiently is NOT one of my virtues.

I pulled into the aisle, put on my blinker and waited...and waited....and w.a.i.t.e.d. Anyone who is a frazzled mom or has waited for a frazzled mom who has just dragged 3 hungry kids through the store at the end of the day knows it can take a decade to buckle all three angels into their car seats, load the 10 bags of groceries in the trunk and then stand outside the car with a wad of kleenex until the urge to start sobbing stops. But I digress. It must have been a good five to seven minutes of just sitting there waiting, but the spot was worth it!

In fact, it was such a great spot that I heard angels singing and harps playing as she backed out and the spot became VACANT. I was preparing to drive my SUV into the blessed parking stall when a woman in a HYBRID buzzed straight into it before I could scream Biofuel.

I sat there with my perfectly glossed lips hanging open while she nonchalantly got out of her car. I pulled up behind her, rolled down my window and said, "Excuse me, I was waiting for that spot for at least five minutes!" She looked at me like I suddenly sprouted a second head and says, "Really? Maybe you should buy a bigger car so people can see you... something that guzzles a little more gas... like a TANK!" then she jogged past me into the store.

Say, WHAT??!!!

At that very moment people all over town were checking the news for a warehouse or forest fire because the sheer volume of billowing smoke churning out my ears was suffocating.

Pardon me, but as a mom of three, I need a car that can actually fit three car seats without stacking my kids on top of each other like little freight containers.

After finally sandwiching my car between twin diesel trucks at the far end of the parking lot, I marched into the store to confront this sanctimonious broad and settle the score. I held my cell phone in my hand with my finger on my husband's speed dial number (in case I needed back up or bail money) as I marched up and down the aisles in search of HER.

I spotted her self-righteous hair in the "feminine and reproductive" items aisle and I suddenly decided marching up to her and screaming her weave off her head was so 10 minutes ago.

Moments later, I silently followed her to the checkstand and watched as she glanced up from the National Enquirer she was flipping through only to notice the cashier staring at her and the box boy snickering into his apron as he bagged 20 bottles of lube, 10 tubes of vagisil, a case of contraceptive sponges and a dozen pregnancy tests. Oh... and 5 boxes of Ex-Lax, a six pack of toilet paper and a plunger.

As she turned and caught my eye -- while I stood basking in the glow of the rush hour shoppers smirking, pointing, and giggling in her direction -- I saw a look in her eye that could have melted steel.

I walked out the door, RAN to my car and laughed all the way home.

My bad?

The Diva